Wednesday, December 31, 2014


I’ll keep it brief (because most critics wouldn't) – these were my least favorite movies of the year...

10. Boyhood
It was kind of entertaining to watch the majority of America’s movie critics come together in praise over this unfocused, emotionally distant and virtually substance-free gimmick-flick whose narrative almost never rings true.  A movie about life should have a little life to it…

9. Transformers: Age of Extinction
I was kind of hoping the addition of Mark Wahlberg would bring this franchise up to a more respectable level.  Somehow this funky bunch of explosive garbage got louder and leagues more obnoxious than its predecessors.

8. Lucy
Boldly claiming that we only use 10% of our brain, this incoherent and disjointed tale of a party-girl-turned-power-grid begs to question if the filmmakers had access to even that much.  I did not love Lucy.

7. Sex Tape
This toothlessly overpromising comedy seems content on giving its audience the shaft.  It’s flat, flaccid and forgettably dull.  Sex Tape blows.

6. Exodus: Gods and Kings
Director Ridley Scott adds a loathsome eleventh plague to the biblical mix in the form of this uninspired, uneven and underdeveloped flick.  It’s nothing but a big ‘ol Christian fail.

5. 3 Days to Kill
The off-kilter, lazily constructed and ill-conceived offspring of a drunken one-nighter three-way between True Lies and The Professional and Taken.  It may take three days to kill, but only three minutes to move on to something more interesting – like folding laundry.

4. Transcendence
Johhny Depp’s cold, clunky, illogical, humorless and not-at-all mind-bending sci-fi flick.  More aptly titled Blandscendence. 

3. Winter’s Tale
The cinematic equivalent of dressing for a formal event with toilet paper stuck to your shoe all night.  It’s a cheese-riddled, connivingly convoluted, horribly written, oddly edited, painfully executed mess of a romance movie that made me laugh – but I’m certain that wasn't it’s intent…

2. Tammy                                                                                                                         
You know you’re in trouble when Melissa McCarthy is the least interesting thing in a Melissa McCarthy movie.  It’s a flat, forced, sluggishly dull and humorless ‘comedy’ fueled on Cheetos dust and room temperature beer.  

1. Divergent
A big part of this societally segregated, dystopian flick focuses on identifying and conquering your fears - I’ve decided that what scares me most is the thought of there being at least two more movies left to tell…  DIVERGENT is dull, derivative and more deserving of the similarly sounding DETERGENT moniker – if only because, above all things, it was a complete mess.

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