Monday, December 17, 2012


I understand there’ll be people out there that enjoyed a few of the below mentioned movies (hopefully not ALL of these movies) – and to each his/her own.  Fine.  Whatever.  I’m simply pointing out the 10 (or 12 if you’re keeping score at home) that struck me as particularly awful – I’m talking turn your stomach bad.  Movies I have no desire to ever see again – almost wish I never saw them in the first place (but then we wouldn't have a list here would we?!).  As always, I welcome any and all comments on why you think I’m crazy regarding any given film.
Keep an eye out for my favorite movies of 2012 along with a list of stuff that couldn’t crack that list but should be seriously considered for a watch nonetheless.

Now, here’s the part where I start making fun of stuff…

I know, I know – two movies in the 10 slot.  It couldn’t be avoided as these two cinematic, melodramatic, schmaltz-infested, clichéd and shallow limp noodles almost appear to be cut from the same we're-not-really-gonna-try-here cloth.   The actual lucky ones were the people that vowed to stay away from both.

Another tie, another BTMG cop out.  ...but 2009’s ‘next big thing’, Sam Worthington (AVATAR, TERMINATOR SALVATION), doubled down on duds this year with the double-cross heist flick MAN ON A LEDGE (a movie so silly and disposable, I wish he would have jumped) and the bigger, louder, dumber (not sure how that’s even possible) sequel to 2010’s equally as bad (just not as big, loud or dumb) CLASH OF THE TITANS.

A shallow, boring, unfun and completely derivative sci-fi flick.  When it’s not copying aspects of every like-minded movie outside the earth’s atmosphere – Guy Pearce gets a chance to occasionally shine…and it’s at that point that you realize how much you’d like to see this character in a totally different movie.

Katherine Heigl’s fruitless attempt at hitching her annoying wagon to a potential based-on-a-series-of-books, chick-flick franchise fails on every single level of filmmaking imaginable.  Not known for picking very good movies (save KNOCKED UP), I'm hoping young Katherine makes the jump back to television where she'll no doubt star in a soon-to-be cancled sitcom.

The first thing I'd change here is the last letter of the title (to the letter 'T').  Boisterous, belligerent and brainless.  It’s easy to fathom some finding joy in the barrage of non-stop, mindless destruction that keeps the proceedings marginally afloat – but I’m pretty sure a two-hour plus movie about pre-teen kids actually playing the popular board game would prove immensely more enjoyable. Sunk by everything aside from its chaotic action, BATTLESHIP is a miss.

This jumbled mess of clichéd pregnancy riffs was much worse than expected (and I wasn’t expecting very much; J-Lo, I’m looking at you).  I wasn’t offended as a parent…I was offended as a moviegoer.

Honestly, the first installment of this band camp loving franchise was okay at best.  Now we’re forced to suffer through the brutal banality of gags that are over 12 years old and still not that funny.  First movie in a long time where I can honestly say I hate each and every one of these characters equally.  Reunited...and it feels so bad.

3. RED DAWN (2012)
A ridiculous, incoherent, irrelevant, unwarranted and obnoxiously limp remake.  If you ever find yourself in a position to see this flick – take a tack hammer and bash in your pinky toes (because I’m pretty certain that would be more enjoyable).  I saw it for free and I still kinda feel like I should get some money back.

2. TAKEN 2
One of the best comedies of the year!  Simultaneously brings nothing new to the table and manages to disappoint fans of the original. 
TAKEN 2 metaphorically takes a cinematic ‘#2’ on the expectations of its adoring fan base and lazily serves up an uninspired, over-produced and downright hilarious, wannabe actioner (yes, there is action...but it moves with the fluidity of a baby deer on ice). This movie has no specific set of filmmaking skills – it will look for you, it will find you…and it will bore you to death.

At least TAKEN 2 had a tough-as-nails Liam Neeson.  At least ONE FOR THE MONEY had a not-ugly Katherine Heigl.  RED DAWN even had Thor (Avenger Chris Hemsworth).  Why does this deserve the honor of being my least favorite movie of the year?  You have to see it to beleive how truly awful it is...but please don't ever see it - because then we'll get an unwelcome sequel.  Part mundane thriller, part unintentional comedy, part commercial for Cadillac cars. This younger incarnation of know-it-all-detective Alex Cross (from author James Patterson) is a lazily crafted, cheesily written, ham-fistedly acted, laugh-out-loud mess. …and although Tyler Perry has written, directed and starred in countless ‘comedies’, it’s this ‘psychological thriller’ that turns out to be his funniest work to date.  Most of the packed theater I saw it with obnoxiously laughed throughout (including yours truly).  ALEX CROSS fails so miserably it almost makes me regret so harshly panning TAKEN 2 for similar reasons… Almost.  Be sure to CROSS this one off your list!

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